Across the states in our diverse country, the holidays are a time for family—but we know that not all military families are able to enjoy the festivities together. Being away from loved ones for family traditions and special events (or, anytime, honestly) is one of many sacrifices those in the armed services and their families make to serve our country, and it’s one that can be particularly tough for children to grapple with.
“It might seem like a good idea to pretend that everything’s going to be normal or to avoid telling your daughter that her parent will not be present for the holiday until the very last minute—but of course everything isn’t normal, and children often deal best with change if they’re given time to think about and process an upcoming event,” says Girl Scouts’ developmental psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald. Granted, there’s not always a lot of notice before deployment, but Dr. Bastiani Archibald suggests maximizing that time of adjustment for your girl by making her aware of a parent’s upcoming absence as soon as possible and talking about it regularly.
Be honest about the fact that one of you will be away for an extended period and that you won’t be able to be together to celebrate the holidays like you usually do. She might not understand what deployment is but might understand what a long trip for work means. “Focus on the good work her parent will be doing while away. Telling her that her mom or dad will be helping keep people safe or working to make people’s lives better will be more relatable to your daughter while also helping her understand the importance of this deployment, even during a time that’s so special to your family,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald.
Don’t shy away from discussing any worries or fears your daughter might have about her parent being deployed. She may be concerned that her mother or father will be hurt or not be able to return at all. Military.com advises addressing these concerns in an honest, age-appropriate way and offering reassurances while avoiding a promise that her parent will be absolutely fine.
Your daughter, especially if she’s younger, might still wonder why other kids get to celebrate with their whole family while she’s separated from someone she loves. In this case, you can explain that her parent has a special role in making the world a safer place and that sometimes means having to travel to faraway places even when they’d love to be home with her. Go ahead and acknowledge that it’s hard on you, too! Sometimes it can be useful to give more tangible examples to help younger children understand—just like a superhero she might know from a book or a movie, her mom or dad is making the world safer for everyone.
And come up with a game plan for when times get tough and your daughter could really use a hug from mom or dad who’s far away. “When my husband was deployed to Afghanistan, we got what we called ‘daddy blankets’ for the kids,” recalls Sara Holland, a former Army Major whose husband was also a member of the armed services. “We got blankets for the kids, and then their dad explained to them before he left that any time they felt lonely and missed their daddy, they could just wrap themselves up in [the blanket] and know he was thinking of them. It was a real comfort. Years later, when I prepared to deploy, we got fleece pillowcases embroidered with family nicknames so the kids would have ‘mommy pillows’ too.” The Holland family also bought matching sets of twin-sized sheets so their son and his dad could “match” across the miles. “All the dads in Afghanistan had sheet sets covered in their kids’ favorite action figure or unicorns or whatever the big thing was. It was comforting for kids to see that their mom or dad was sleeping on the same pillowcase every night that they were, and I think it gives those who are far away from home a sense of connection to their children as well.”
Even if you think your loved one might be home in time for the holidays (or on any specific date), promising when your girl’s loved one will be back might not be the best idea, because return dates can change depending on circumstances often outside a service member’s control. “Try to be relatively general about how long the parent will be away, and wait until a few days before the return—when you’re sure the date is unlikely to change—to let her know that her mother or father will be coming home,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald. Young children can be literal, and otherwise, you run the risk of her feeling even more disappointed, confused, or even fearful if her parent is unable to return by a promised date.
Talk ahead of the departure about all the ways you will be able to keep in touch with the deployed parent and even celebrate the holidays long distance. Many families use Skype or other live video chat programs to keep close while separated, and in some situations—although definitely not all—it’s possible to set regular call times so parents and kids can connect. “Any kind of routine you can establish ahead of time, or early on in the deployment, will have a stabilizing and helpful effect on your child,” says Dr. Bastiani Archibald.
As for specific tips to make the season a bit brighter for everyone when one of you is deployed, we’ve got a few of those, too.
And although it’s important to look after your child’s needs during a tricky time like having a family member deployed during the holidays, it’s equally important to make sure you’re also taking care of yourself. Taking on the parenting in your family that’s normally handled by two people can be stressful—especially at the holidays when you want everything to be as perfect as possible. You’ll be more capable of making the holiday joyful for your girl if you’re well-rested and aren’t putting too much pressure on yourself.